Does it taste like rosé or relief?
thoughts on crippling anxiety, chasing your tail, and deciding to step outside the lines.
The response to my decision (for now? forever? idk.) to stop drinking alcohol has been so moving to me. The most intimately moving part? The fact that your reactions aren’t coming to me publicly. They’re coming via long, late night, private DMs; texts from friends I haven’t heard from in a while; and heartfelt emails landing softly in my inbox. It is a privilege to be on the receiving end of such messages — and not one I take lightly. I want you to know that I hold each one of them close to my heart. They are so special because no two messages are the same. Some are about anxiety, some about health, some about making big life decisions. But all are about that oneeeeee little/BIG thing that you think know is holding you back.
Let me preface this post the same way I’ve prefaced similar posts before it. My little/BIG thing was the glass of wine at the end of the day. I’m always so hesitant to write about this for two reasons:
#1: I fear being misunderstood. While alcohol can become a Capital-P Problem for some, it was not that for me. I had no rock bottom, no life-changing event, no horrific hangover to stop me in my tracks. I just slowly began to know in my gut that the wine I was consuming socially and at home after a long day was making my life worse, not better. I’m (beyond) grateful I was able to make the choice to remove an addictive substance from my life simply and swiftly. I know that’s not the case for everyone. To those who have experienced the Capital-P side of this substance, I don’t take your experience lightly and I genuinly hope my words honor you and your journey. To those sitting somewhere in the gray area like I was… I hope my words encourage you to lean into your own curiosity.
#2: I also fear adding noise to a topic where clarity is very important. Public chats about this are so powerful. And knowledge (scientific, factual information) has been key in changing my thoughts from “Gosh, I’m missing out at this dinner with friends” to “This dinner is so fun, and the way my brain feels right now is worth protecting.” I have been changed by personal stories and scientific facts. For that reason, this conversation feels like one I’m being called to lead in this space. That’s the life of a writer, I suppose.
Though I feel like I could write on this topic forever and ever… pages of words and thoughts and facts I’ve learned… I feel God nudging me to write a letter today. To you… who feels alone and sort of stuck. To all of you who’ve been so brave and so kind in your DMs and emails and texts.
Dear friend,
I want you to know that this is holy ground. The space you are making, however big or small, is sacred… for the whisper echoing in the darkest, most tucked-away corners of your mind… for the tiny flame God lit months ago… that continues to flicker and remind you it’s there — no matter how many times you turn away from it.